Reporter, reporter, you’ve made us laugh (at you)

Thomas Barton, Illinois Pay-to-Play Political Commentator

It’s hard to report serious news as light comedy.  Tribune reporter Eric Zorn tried recently in his article “Matchmaker, matchmaker, make us a match-up”.  But the piece was a short round.

For you lifelong civilians, a “short round” is a shell that goes out of an artillery tube after only a portion of the charge propels the business end of the shell.  The dud sound that accompanies a short round is unmistakable.  The shell explodes short of its target - sometimes with disastrous consequences.  Anyway…

Zorn’s piece had something to do with the Republicans not being able to find a viable candidate to run against State’s Attorney Anita Alvarez.

He believes that the Koschman case is becoming an embarrassment to the State’s Attorney and that she may be vulnerable to an opposing Republican candidate, resulting in a real, contested election for her job.  (Eric, go down the hall and let John Kass tell you about the “Combine”.)

Somebody forget to tell Eric that the G.O.P in Crook County is akin to a neutered tomcat who has a vague recollection of what the sport of politics is all about, but has no…ah…capabilities to engage in it.

“It would be nice,” Zorn wrote, if there was a “robust campaign”.   Robust is such a robust word. It carries inherent gravitas, as does the word gravitas itsownself.  Anyway…

Zorn’s piece would have merely remained a short round, short of being robust, but then he compared the Koschman murder to Trayvon Martin’s death and got all serious on us. Thud went his out-going round.

Of course, they’re alike in that, in both cases, one person killed another. But beyond that, they’re about as similar as the aforementioned neutered tomcat and the tiger that attacked Roy – or was it Siegfried? – during their big cat act in Vegas.

Zorn wrote, “But in both cases there remain ‘troubling questions that have yet to be answered,’ as Toomin put it Friday in his analysis of Koschman. And in both cases, those agencies closest to the original investigation are poorly situated to provide satisfying answers to those questions.”

Well, gee, it’s taken eight years for a judge to come to that conclusion in the Koschman case. But in the Martin case, after about seven weeks, the locals still have control of the investigation and are being scrutinized by the entire national media.  Yet, already, Zorn is saying the fix is in?

George Zimmerman was arrested on April 11, 2012, and charged with Second Degree Murder in the death of Trayvon Martin.  State Attorney Angela Corey is for real.

But where was Zorn, and where were the other Trib reporters in the days, weeks, and years after David Koschman was killed in 2004?

Zorn wants a real election for Alvarez’s seat.  Chicago wants a real newspaper with “Tribune” in the banner.

To parody the close of Zorn’s piece:

Serious responses only. Call 800-500-DOPE and ask for Phil Cline. No baggage. No weirdos.